The First No 'L'

The soothing tunes of Sade

Trickle out the shops,

And Mrs Claus is shocked because

Belief becomes beef chops!


We see a Happy Mondays star

Atop a horse-drawn sleigh,

With newly grown red hair, moustache…

"Ginge Bez, Ginge Bez - Ginger all the way!"


Instead of angels, Ange now sings,

Fuelled by wine and banter,

Her boyfriend notes the awful din,

So, she leaves Mick out for Santa!


Pigs sprout beaks and feathers,

A mix of festive meats:

The leg of lamb's now egg of ham

And clucks instead of bleats!


And Santa tweets in App Land,

Shares his gifts on Christmas Day,

He denies his jumper's a real Winter Wonder:

"Wear that top, dear?

There's no elfing way!"

Ryan Cannell